I originally posted this blog several years ago (in my former blogger life). So many people requested it over and over again, that I thought it would be a good way to get the ball rolling on this new blog. The tips contained herein are pretty succinct, and I plan on exploring each one in greater detail in future blogs.
So without further ado, I give you… Divorce 101
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OK, I’m tired of people getting run over by their ex when they get divorced. For all the people who are getting or planning on getting a divorce, I offer the following list of steps:
1. GET AN ATTORNEY.
2. Did I mention that you should get an attorney? Your soon-to-be ex is not your BFF. They are now your adversary. Even if you work together to find a resolution that works for both of you, you still need your own counsel.
3. I cannot stress this enough: get an attorney. You don’t know all the divorce laws. Your attorney does. They are worth their fees. Hire someone good.
4. After you’ve hired your attorney, stop calling your ex. They don’t want you back. Calling them can become harassment and only give them ammunition against you. Don’t show up at what was formerly your house and feel entitled to enter without knocking. Don’t shout from outside that they better let you in. And DON’T be such an asshole that they call the police. This can lead to restraining orders and can affect custody and visitation later. Emotions run high at these times. I highly recommend email-only communication during this difficult beginning period of your divorce. Important: be businesslike in your correspondence. Any and all emails will be used against you, so be prepared.
5. If you are moving out, take all of your stuff with you when you leave. Don’t plan on coming back to get anything. Your ex might not let you in. Your ex might throw your stuff away. Your ex might claim that it’s their stuff. Your ex might burn it all on the front lawn. Take it all the first time. Even if they say you can come back, take it all now. Feelings might change in the interim and you might never see your stuff again.
6. Close your joint bank accounts and credit cards. Open separate accounts in your name only. This is not a suggestion that you clean out your joint account. Take half. Be fair. Inform your spouse that you’ve taken half and need them to take their half, and then you both need to close the account. Do this sooner rather than later. If you can’t pay off and close a joint credit account, you can ask that it be frozen for a period of time to prohibit your spouse from racking up charges.
7. Change your beneficiaries on your life insurance and individual investments. Some states and some employers require a spouse signature to remove them from your retirement plan. Try to make this happen if you can. Make your parent or sibling the beneficiary, NOT your children. If you die, your ex is going to get sole custody of your children. If your children inherit the money, then your ex has control of it and can do whatever they please with it.
8. Change your will. If you have a will, have it rewritten to disinherit your spouse to the fullest extent of the law. Make your parent, sibling or a testamentary trust the beneficiary of your estate, not your children. If you don’t have a will, GO GET ONE.
9. Keep making payments on the car/house/etc even if you don’t have them in your possession. Your name is on them. Missing/late payments affects your credit. Your credit score will become very important to you in the near future when you need to strike out on your own. Don’t blow it now. If you make payments on an asset that is most definitely going to be awarded to your spouse, keep detailed records of the transactions to see if you can recoup some of your costs later.
10. Don’t fight with your spouse over the kids. If you are the noncustodial parent, be available at any time to see them. If that means giving up every Friday and Saturday night for the next six weeks, do it. The actions you take now set a precedent for custody and visitation. If you refuse to see them or are too busy now, the judge may not look favorably on your visitation request later. If your spouse won’t let you see them, then have your attorney step in and handle it. Don’t fight in front of the kids. Don’t drink in front of them. Don’t yell or say bad things about your spouse in front of them. That is what your friends are for: to take you out, get you drunk, and listen to you cry. Behave perfectly with your children.
11. Try to stay in the family home if possible. This also sets a precedent. The person who leaves the home is less likely to be awarded the home in the divorce. And the person who leaves the family unit is less likely to be awarded custody of the children. Right or wrong, that’s the way it is. Talk to your attorney for more information. (Aren’t you glad you hired an attorney?)
12. Don’t sell or trade any joints assets without the written consent of your spouse. Everything you do from the date the divorce petition is filed (in some states, from the date of separation) is subject to certain laws and scrutiny. Be thorough and ethical. If you liquidate assets after you’ve filed for divorce and hide the money, you are going to be in a world of trouble. Consult your attorney on these matters.
13. Consult your attorney and accountant regarding tax laws and specific tax issues. This can come back to bite you in the butt later, so be sure to talk about it right away.
14. Be sure to eat, sleep, and try to get a bit of exercise. Right now it seems like your world is ending, but it’s not. It’s changing. You need to take care of your health during this critical period. Don’t underestimate the toll that anxiety, stress, depression, and lack of sleep takes on your body and mind. Stay sharp.
15. Keep an eye on your attorney to make sure they’re not milking you for every penny. I know several people who had this happen. My attorney gave me great advice during our first meeting:
“You and your husband are going to be divorced. That is a fact. How long it takes and how much it costs is up to you. I am your employee, and I will do whatever you tell me to do (within the limits of the law). I will follow the course of action that you want, even if I advise you otherwise, because you have hired me to do a job for you. If you want me to fight for every penny, I will. But remember, right now you and your husband have XXX amount of dollars. The amount of fighting you do is directly proportional to how much you will end up paying me, and that leaves less in the end for both of you.”
16. Remember that what happens in the next six months has the potential to affect the rest of your life, especially if you have children. Don’t be a jerk, but don’t be a doormat either. You are entitled to a fair and equitable settlement, and so is your spouse. Treat the divorce like a business transaction. If you called customer service at a company and they started yelling at you, you’d hang up, right? Do the same with your spouse. Don’t let it escalate. It’s hard, but you have to compartmentalize your emotions when you’re dealing with your ex. Make it like a business deal. Don’t let yourself get screwed or treated like crap. Don’t alienate your spouse. Behave.
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